Don’t forget the good, February 6, 2010

It’s hard to admit to being in a battle against depression… especially when your character used to be one of cheerfulness with a normal goal to uplift those around you.

Last night I was about ready to turn in when Those Nights by Skillet came on the radio. I stopped… and let the song play out. I used to love that song; listened to it all the time. Last night it made me cry. At first it really hurt. I remembered what I used to have and compared it to what I have now. I started to become bitter. But then my thinking changed a little bit. Images from the last four or five years started flashing through my mind. Moments of love and laughter. Fun and friendship. The tears stopped flowing and I started smiling and chuckling again at the memories of the past.

All too often we get cought up in what is happening around us and we forget the good God has given us. Or we twist it, and look at it in a way to make us feel even worse about where we are now instead of being grateful for where we have been. Last night I remembered, and I am grateful for where I have been.

I thought mostly about the many days I have spent at Faith Bible. Wondering the halls, giggling in the back row, moving chares and tables, running around with little people on my shoulders or dragging be by the hand. They are such sweet memories. I remember “meeting” and establishing the basis of my friendships with some of my best friends:

Michael, one Tuesday night after a scout meeting, we were talking on the bench in the hall. I remember being amazed that I could feel the bench vibrate from his deep voice :P

Jim, when Ariel first introduced me outside after a scouting morning or something and it was so awkward, and then later at the first 30 hr Famine. A couple of us stayed up all night talking and watching the Two Towers ^_^ lol over and over the menu screen played…

Becca, at what I remember as the first scouting morning I went to when we worked on leather working and made little cross and heart bookmarks.

Others I don’t remember meeting, like Ariel and Emily. We simply emerged the best of friends after learning and leading together. Those days were so sweet. And I don’t remember the hardships of those times. Sure they were there, I recalled some of them the more I thought about them. I sprained my ankles a few times, had a bunch of family issues, my cousins moved away (closest friend in the world at the time), survived the hardest class I had yet been in, all the little things that makes life interesting… but only the good do I remember.

So right now, I’m wondering what I will remember about this time in my life. I doubt I will remember being sick all the time or crying every night… no, I’ll probably remember the silly things that happen at TW, working with my grandparents, and learning to push forward in spite of everything. Honestly I don’t know what I will remember, because it all looks pretty grim from here, but if there is anything I get out of all this I hope and pray I learn and never forget that God is always enough for me. On the hardest of days He gives me the strength to finish the day, and lay down at night. In the morning I can get up again. always. He is always enough. I hope I never forget that. And if it takes times like this in life to learn it well… then I guess I’m glad… for He will take my pain and make something beautiful out of it. I sure don’t know what’s coming next, I just hope it comes. Just don’t forget the good times. For we have been blessed.

Pyro January 23, 2010

What is fire? Mr. Webster says,

” Heat and light emanating visibly, perceptibly and simultaneously from any body; caloric; the unknown cause of the sensation of heat and of the retrocession of the homogeneous particles of bodies from one another, producing expansion, and thus enlarging all their dimensions; one of the causes of magnetism, as evinced by Dr. Hare’s calorimotor.

In the popular acceptation of the word, fire is the effect of combustion. The combustible body ignited or heated to redness we call fire; and when ascending in a stream or body, we call it flame. A piece of charcoal in combustion, is of a red color and very hot. In this state it is said to be on fire, or to contain fire. When combustion ceases, it loses its redness and extreme heat, and we say, the fire is extinct.”

Interesting… For as much as I have learned about science and Creation… I still don’t understand fire. Sure, we studied it in physical science and chemistry, but rather, we studied what it does. Not what it itself is. Right now I have a number of candles lighting my room… I do that sometimes when I’m ether quite happy, or quite unhappy. Tonight it’s the later. Not sure why, but somehow fire always cheers me up. I can stare into it for hours… do on outings sometimes ^_^. I’m not sure why I like it so much… but I think, I like it because it’s something I CAN stare at. Something I don’t understand. Something my God created and sometimes shows Himself through (take Moses for example). (LOL total random thought, but I just looked of and noticed this little angel I have on my dresser thing. There is a candle in front of it and the shadow it casts on the wall looks like two people kissing… lol aren’t I a mess…?) Umm… yeah. fire. right.

*sigh* oh well… my mind is pretty well of the subject now. :/ sorry,

Last January 21, 2010

It is so hard…. Everything’s been taken from me. I have been stripped bare as can be. Whenever I dare to say I have nothing left, somehow something more is taken from me.

This weekend I didn’t think it could get any worse. I am weeks behind in all my classes, my health is a mess, and I have lost the physical stamina I had spent so much time building up. Then I lost my best friend for the second time. Right there I saw nothing. I had nothing. My greatest fear had come true. Then on Tuesday… I made it through the 4 days he asked for. Then somehow the nothing that I had left became everything, and that everything fell apart. I fell down once, and collapsed later. Legs gave out twice in the same day. Within a couple hours. Mom came and picked me up early… skipping my last class… and on the way home I asked, ‘I can’t go to OKPIC, can I?” and mom said “Your Dad and I just don’t think it would be safe.”

I know they’re right… but I never imagined it could hurt this much. That’s my favorite outing of the year…! I’ve been looking forward to it for weeks. Pushing my self through the mess I’m in, telling my self “in just a few weeks, days, etc. you’ll be out on the lake, in the snow, looking up at the sky, and be able to feel alive again. Just wait for that. You can make it. You’ll get your break.” well… I’m not. I can’t go. And I keep telling myself over and over why I can’t go, and I know it would be stupid to try, but I just want to so badly. I got a whole bunch of new gear specifically for this outing over the last few months… I haven’t been able to try it out yet. probably won’t this year…. and this year of all years they have a dog team coming! A dog team… When I first heard that I didn’t believe it. When I finally let myself I was like, wow… this is such a blessing. I felt it was really meant for me.

There are lots of reasons I want to go, and I keep trying to sort through why I really wanted to go, because it almost doesn’t make sense that it hurts THIS much. I mean it’s just an outing, right? It’s my favorite outing of the year… I love the snow. and I long to be out side again. I’ve been stuck inside my house for months now. Since October when I got sick. I just want to be outside. I got on walks when I can, but it’s just not the same. I want to be out there, away from the city, away from the roads, in the woods. Where I can hear the birds, the wind, the trees… smell the Winter… be close to my Creator once more. I know He is holding me right now… but still.

I know Ariel isn’t coming this year… and of course Emily can’t come… but still. Becca is finally going. lol I finally talked her into it and I’m not gonna be there. It’s Jim’s first year too… I really with I could be there when they experience. It’s also Michael’s last year… Should be my 3rd year…

I went on a long walk today, testing myself… Went at least 2 miles… walked part of it through the snow (because we don’t have sidewalks out there…) and it felt so good… course this snow was all nasty and gray, but yeah… I could sure feel my muscles working. I know I won’t have to walk 2 mi across the lake, so I think I’d be able to make it. But Mom’s probably right…. I probably don’t have the stamina to finish all the shoveling. I used to be so vigorous… I loved digging out the quinsy… Then of course there’s the fact of dehydration… I’ve been fine the last two days, but all last week I was struggling with staying hydrated. Drinking lots, but never enough… finally ended up in a ready-care kinda place and they gave me IV’s for the good part of an hour and that got me back on my feet. idk…

If there is anything I could do to make it safe for me to go tomorrow… I would do it. Earlier I had decided I’d try asking again… still no… and I know it’s gonna be no… and I know I’m gonna be sitting here, on my bed, on Saturday when they are all out there playing in the snow. This is just kinda…. the last stand. idk I’m done. I’m tired of fighting for things I can never get. and I know I can never get them. I know I can never get caught up in all my classes… I’m only getting further behind… I’m not getting much help, and I honestly don’t have much desire to do it. I’m tired… I just want to finish something. have something… that’s what this weekend was supposed to be.

I should go… dry my tears, swallow my pride, and help my brother’s pack… I just wish so much I could be too.

An Astonishing Night December 13, 2009

Tonight was really special for me. Tonight Dad took  Matthew, Abby, and myself to go see the Christmas Journey our church put’s on each year. We’ve helped out the last couple years, but this year we could not. Mom and Dad just said we were too busy. Then I got sick, and Matthew was going crazy trying to get Eagle, and yeah. We would not have been able to do it. BUT, last year I was Mary in the stable with the baby Jesus. It was so special. I loved it so much. Not just being Mary, but all of it. Helping out, making a difference. Talking to people from my church, getting to know them. Hanging out in the woods for hours on end by a fire, yup, my kind of  job. It was so much fun, and so rewording all around. This year, we started going to a different church about the time the ball began moving for the members of the church, so I knew about it, and knew we couldn’t do it. Then I got sick, and forgot about it. Last week some friends, who were able to participate in it this year, told me it was happening, it was here, they were in it, and it was already half over. I kinda freaked out; we have to go!! So tonight we went. And I am so glad we did!

It was amazing… we actually walked through this year, but seeing everyone… the familiar faces as well as the new. Noting all the small changes or variations from years past was fun. Matthew and I lagged behind the group so we could stop at our scenes and say hey to everyone. When we got to the manger scene, oh man. Everyone was the same except for Mary (obviously). After the group had left, and I walked up, my little “Shepperd boy” saw me and yelled “Mary!!!” and ran over to clobber me with a hug. That was just so special. (Just writing about it right now brings me to tears. I couldn’t have asked for more.) Everyone was grand. I got hugs from everyone and they all seemed glad to see me. Chatted for a little bit, the I had to move on. But it was so good to see them all. Kinda like coming back home to a family you haven’t seen in a year… idk, it was just good. I am so grateful for it, them, that I could go, all of it. I knew I missed it but wow. It was all I could do not to start crying, as I walked down the path, forcing myself to catch up with the group. Next we stopped at Matthew’s scene, the tum. They had changed the set, it looked great! Matt was sad lol. As soon as he leaves they change it to this amazing new set. But it was funny, the women didn’t know who we were or why we were standing there, waiting for the group to leave. Then they freaked out (well, one of them did) when they saw it was Matt, and he received the same friendly greeting I did. It was good. I thank God we could go. lol gosh, I can’t stop crying…

After the walk was over, we went in side and I continued to bump into people I had worked with last year, and hadn’t seen in ages. It was good. I stopped and talked to those that I could. Saw Nick and his sister there, lots of mom’s I haven’t seen in a while, Greg and his wife, yeah… it was good. After I had talked to most of the people in the gym/youth room area, I bumped into Elmo, and we went to move his marimbas (forgive me Elmo, idk how to spell that). So good talking with him, met up with his brothers, and bumped into a few more people. But yeah, it was good. really really good.

It’s funny… how you do something, and then don’t. You know you miss it, but don’t realize just how much it meant to you until you see it, or someone else doing what you used to love. Tonight was one of those nights. It’s been ages since I’ve walked the halls of Trinity Church, and my goodness… I miss it so much. Tonight I felt so at peace… Like I haven’t in a long time… I wish so much I could drive myself and go back there. New Hope isn’t a bad church. I have nothing against them. It’s just not my church. It’s not my home. I wanna go home. On so many levels… not just this… but this is the one hitting me hard tonight. On the way home I was thinking about how… Abby? I think her name started with “A”… my little “shepherd boy” (although she was in fact a girl), came up to me and greeted me with that hug, calling “my name”… a tear landed in my lap before I knew I was crying lol. And now I can’t stop. I need to get my life back together. I’m finally feeling better, I just haven’t had the mental or emotional strength to try. Now I know I need to. I need to get back to church and get involved with the kids. I don’t know if choir is happening right now or not, but even if it’s not I need to do something. It’s to much a part of me for me to ignore it much longer. idk how long this passion let’s say, will last, but I gotta do it. I have to pull myself back together. I’m so grateful to all my friends who have been offering up prayers on my behalf. I praise God I’m feeling better, but I’ve sure got a lot of work to do. But somehow or other, I’m going to do it. I have to.

Thank you, Lord. I needed this night. Keep me strong. And thanks,

Darkest Hour November 27, 2009

IT’s strange… Over the course of however long I’ve been sick these past many weeks… I’ve changed. A couple weeks ago I found a new strength in my weakness. I realized I had a new level of patience and strength. I’m not sure what the strength was, sure wasn’t physical, but it was there. But right now, I don’t feel that strength. Or that patience. I just want to be done. I’m so tired of lying around, wasting my days, with no energy or will to do anything of worth. I’m incredibly behind in school, and have absolutely no idea how I will ever get caught up. I don’t even know what’s wrong with me, or when I will get better. I’m angry with myself most of the time now. I am incredibly stressed physically. Yesterday I actually hurt myself when I jumped as something (that would not have hurt anything) fell into my lap. I think it sent me to bed. I feel hopeless, and alone. I never want to do anything, and most things discourage me. Sometimes I can’t walk straight on my own, have to lean on all the walls, or I just fall back over when I stand up. Strength is one of the things that I’ve always noticed and respected. I sought it for myself, and encouraged my friends to seek it as well. Physical discipline and regular exercise were important to me. Now I have no physical strength to speak of. If I’m able to get any exercise it’s a few pushups, or a walk around the block. How I long to go for a run! I wish I was up to more… I’m sick of rotting here in my bed… I want to go outside.

 

I guess why I’m writing this is just because I don’t know what else to do. I’ve got nothing left… I’m empty. I just want to be done… I know God has a bigger purpose for me than to lay around in my room all day. He’s never left me in this, but He hasn’t hinted at what comes next ether. I wish I knew what was around the corner, because I’m just about all out of hope.

If I were the only one I wouldn’t mind so much… but some of my friends are as depressed or sick as I am. My cousin spent this Thanksgiving in the ICU, barely able to breath. and I’m sitting in bed complaining. and I hate that. another friend is just as discouraged as I am, and I can’t cheer him up. I tried, but it took everything out of me. I’ve just got  nothing left.

of a tired heart… November 13, 2009

Dry your tears and close your eyes

Tomorrow’s another day, don’t say your goodbyes.

You’ll get up, and make it through,

For God is always with you.

You are never alone and darling, dear,

I will always be here.

To hold you close and sooth your pain,

For in Forever, that pain will turn to gain.

What you bare for me will forever be a sacrifice

Just like when I died for you on that tree, the Holy Christ.

Don’t give up darling, dear.

I’m here.

Believe in me,

And you will be set free.

October 29, 2009

It’s hard… being upset while your loved one’s upset as well. All you do is want to talk to them, but once you do you realize they are just as upset as you. When both of you leave feeling worse than before, it only adds to your pain when you realize you made them worse, when all you wanted to do was help. anything to make them feel better… but no.

Today was a very hard day. I felt alright until this afternoon… I really wanted to go to scouts tonight, see people for once. I miss my friends… Expected to be there, so I told a couple in particular that I wanted to see them there. They both came after some things they were busy with, but I was not there. I was home… in bed.. sick. again. still. whatever. I hate it… this, with some other things about this weekend, were to much tonight. I wanted to cry. felt awful. but I was to tired… then I talked to a friend, and he pointed out a couple things I knew, but was trying to ignor… I’m so sorry I upset him more than he already was… and I finally started crying. Dad came in, when he saw I was crying, and talked to me for a little while. (the door has been open so people can hear me when I call… though they don’t anyway.) so we talked for a little while, and prayed together. I feel so incredibly empty spiritually. I can’t sing to worship… Physically I’m not up to playing guitar… I’m just to tired. I talk in whispers, cuz that’s all I’ve got. I don’t want to sleep… I don’t want to cry… I just want to rest in your arms tonight…

I guess I’ll just go to bed… Hope things are better tomorrow…

For Abby, October 15, 2009

Darling, princess, please don’t cry.

Wipe your tears, and let your face dry.

You always say, “I’m just having a bad day.”

But I wonder, what is the “more”?

Something’s always bothering you… every day it seems,

something will happen that makes you want to scream.

Please don’t let it hurt you, please don’t let it stay.

Wipe the tears, and throw the sadness away!

I know that you are hurting, I am hurting too.

But together, we can pull you through.

Nothing Joyful, October 15, 2009

I hate this spite, it’s all I feel… the words in my head collide.

I wake to hear their fighting words, my mood immediately slides.

All I want to do is sleep… forever in my bed.

Where words of hate and resentment remain cold and unsaid.

It hurts to see them fighting, forever saying their piece.

They never stop to find out why, but simply fold the crease.

Everyone is anger. Everyone’s upset.

Everyone complains all day but then simply forgets.

They never stop to listen… but whenever I try to speak,

they lose their anger and become quite meek.

Pretend it never happened… hope it never will.

But I can’t forget this anger, and sooner or later it’ll spill.

I don’t now what to do, so I stay alone in my room.

It’s quiet here, I can think, but still I am consumed.

Sometimes I wonder, what have I done?

but I’ve done nothing to become so overrun.

I’ve no control over myself, my mind seems to run the show.

Sometimes I can’t stop myself,

I’ll lie in bed and cry alone, making myself sick.

But lately I haven’t been able to cry…I’ve become  cold and stiff.

I wonder why I’m acting so,

my old, kind self seems forever ago…

I’m no longer who I was, and don’t like who I’ve become.

but don’t know how to go back to where I’ve come from.

No one cares about each other anymore

they only complain how their life is a bore.

I miss the family we once were, together or apart.

Forever loving one another genuinely from the heart.

I know they still love me, but still I feel rejected.

The things I’ve done, or who I’ve become leave me unaccepted.

Why can’t they see, who I want to be?

I want to be caring and kind…

But somehow I know it won’t be so,

until they become un-blind.

Can I go to sleep now? I often ask myself…

Night is quiet and peaceful, the time forget about all else…

submit myself to peace and bliss, knowing I am loved.

I stay up late and look forward to my fate,

whatever it will become…

but as soon as morning comes and the joy lasting from the night,

someone will yell and clang the bell; the day is not so bright.

I hate this heartless feeling… annoyed to see my sibs,

frustrated with my parents, who all seem reluctant to forgive.

What is this ugly feeling, and from whence did it come?

I hate this spiteful feeling… oh what have I become?

Honestly, I’m just exercising my brain. October 3, 2009

“If I could only stop the world while you’re standing by my side… see I’m having the time of my life.” I love that song…

Saturday night. Mom’s been gone most of the week, everyone is sick, did some school, but not a ton… Autumn day where the sky is constantly changing, but gray is the dominant color. It span out in front of my eyes as I stared out my window most of today… (not that I was staring most of today, but whenever I did look out my window, it was usually gray.) Now, the sun is going down, the house is dark, and there is a ribbon of light coming diagonally into my room from my single open window. I can smell the garlic cooking downstairs in the dinner Dad and I were working on earlier… still in the oven. It smells really good. If my throat weren’t so sore, I’d have a candle lit and be sipping cider. Slowly, I feel my body giving in to the sickness that everyone else already has.

Grandpa seems to be doing alright. As I understand, his surgery went well. Today they went in through an artery in his leg to secure some kind of filter at the entered to his heart, hoping to prevent a clot from lodging there. He’s had a pretty rough couple of days. Yesterday he was moved between floors 3 and 6, and the ER four or five times. Last night they burnt most of the tissue out of his nose in order to bring and end to the repetitive and semi-continuous nose bleads he has had for the last four weeks or so. This would be the third time he went in for them, and the first he was admitted. If I had been studying my biology as I had hoped to today I could tell you what kind of tissue they burnt out, what types of cells they were, why it worked, what cartilage they burnt up to, etc. but since I haven’t been, I have a vague understanding that is sufficient for myself, but to explain it concisely (and rather disturbingly) I don’t remember enough of the chapter. Sorry (or perhaps, congratulations. It’s rather disturbing stuff when you think that they were burning it all….) Anyway, he has two more surgeries on Monday, so we are praying he can recover from yesterday and today’s operations and is able to cope with the additional two Monday. He’s a trouper, but wow… he’s having a rough time with everything.

I find it interesting… it’s been ages since I’ve blogged… so much has changed, yet nothing has happened that I can write about. With five teenworks classes, I am always doing school work. I really don’t do much else… Tag along to soccer when I can, scouts when there are meetings. But there is really not much going on. The place I was hoping to get a job at is not hiring right now, so that isn’t exactly being anticipated like it had been. Oh well.

I’m really excited the first “prep outing” for Philmont is next weekend. I look forward to meeting everyone and catching up with Michael and Jim. Seems is has been forever since I’ve had a good chat with Michael. . . I’m very glad it is an “off week” for teenworks. Meaning, I don’t have any take home tests next week that I will have to worry about. :) I wonder if I can get it all done by Friday…. Emily comes home Friday!!! Hoping to get together with her, Morgan, and Holly F Friday. Miss those galls. Can’t wait to see Emily!

It’s pretty annoying…. my real age seems to finally be catching up with me. I keep being smashed with it, and sees feeling like I’m 18 or older. People treated me like I was 16 when I was 13. I always seemed to be presumed 3 years ahead… now I’m back to 16. What happened? All my friends are graduated or graduating… lol it’s weird… I really don’t like it. Feeling 16 again is … bizarre.

and at the same time it’s frustrating… It’s not that I’m losing privileges… I guess I simply stopped gaining them. Or maybe I just realized it, I don’t know. But it is strange and new and not at all exciting. :P

Two nights ago Dad and I stopped at Elderly and picked up some new guitar strings. We hadn’t changed them since Dad put the guitar away “20 years ago.” Personally I don’t think it could have been that long since they have been changed because I remember him playing it when I was 4-6 or so. Regardless, they had not been changed since I have been playing it. Little while ago I pulled it out for the first time this semester… I was excited to play it, hadn’t for a good while, nice fall day, early evening, hoped to play the night away. When I opened it up, I was horrified to note the D string coiled up at the top (lol descriptive thought that shouldn’t have come: like a golgi apparatus. why oh why does biology have to pop at the strangest times?) like a… lol can’t think of anything now. Anyway, point being it was broken and the guitar was not fit to be played. Of course, we had no spare strings or I would have changed them before now. So, we were finally able to pick them up two days ago. Dad and I had fun re-stringing, then chuckled a while as we attempted to tune it. As soon as one string was in tune and we had gone on to the next couple, the first would be out of tune again. Despite my efforts, the strings just needed some time to stretch so I could not play it that day without cringing at each stroke.

Instead, I waited until last night. That was rich. Andrew was using my computer, and so sitting on my bed as I played. I tuned the guitar, then played a song. Andrew asked as kindly as he could and trying not to cringe, “… why does it sound so bad?” lol… yeah. Spent more time re-tuning than actually playing, but that’s alright. With the age of Dad’s old strings, I didn’t need to tune it more than a couple times a week. I really enjoyed that… lol no more! ^_^

~Hannah