Background: Yesterday was a miserable day. Physically I was in a lot of pain and mentally I was just floating through… unengaged to a lot of my class lecture time. I was pretty well spent by the end of it all. Got home and didn’t even take my shoes off. Turned around, grabbed some food, and was off to scouts with only Dad. When we got home I couldn’t sleep, despite promising a friend to get there as soon as possible. Jim and Dad ended up talking last night until everyone else had left. Once Jim walked away I was already fighting back tears. Cried on the way home, and couldn’t stop. It got pretty bad. Dad came in around midnight to try to calm me down. He read some old books we used to read. He’s been doing that a lot lately. Sadly I’ve needed it a lot lately… Even though he had to get up way too early today to work out of town he sat up, reading to me. late. idk when I finally got to sleep.
Explanation: How hard everything is/has been isn’t even the real problem. The real problem is that I seem to be barely existing and hurting everyone around me. When I can barely make it through the day, am completely spent, or trying to swallow whatever it is to do something else, I hurt those around me. Sometimes I can see it, sometimes I cannot. There was one day I was trying, and a friend had to tell me how awful I was being. I didn’t even realize. This morning all I had to do was get up and go to PT. without reengaging in last night… I couldn’t do it. I ended up sobbing again. Mom came in to try to comfort me. Unfortunately that was by the time I had already gotten the harsh grip I needed to get myself out the door. I yelled at her… after she asked “what’s wrong” for the third time and I had no explanation. To and from Physical Therapy my mind has been spinning. When I got back in the car she had obviously been crying. and it was obviously my fault. But I couldn’t say anything. Somehow, my shell broke yesterday and I haven’t been able to pull myself back together. Everything came pouring out like a title wave.
What’s next? I have no idea. But me, barely being able to get through a day and unable to keep myself from hurting those around me is not acceptable. No mater what I’m going through hurting the ones who want to help is not right. It’s not fair. It’s not what God would want. So where did I go wrong? What am I missing? It’s just me and He here. Dad helps when he comes home. but for the most part, I am alone. With out the human interaction and help I long for so deeply. This weekend I was so sure I was where I needed to be, regardless of feeling alone. Now I don’t know. I’m not meant to be like this. No mater where I am I can’t be hurting those around me like I know I am. It’s just not right. But I’m at a loss as to how I can change it.
In a lot of aspects I’ve grown cold and harsh just to keep myself together. How can I get through being softer? When I’m broken down and know I need to just get up and ignore everything to do what I need to do, I hurt others. And adding that to my indicial pain, kills me.
