We went for a walk in the twilight April 28, 2010

Tonight I went for a walk with Benji. It had been on my list all day, but I just didn’t feel well and so I put it off. After hearing some conversation from down stairs, and just everything else, I was at the point where I ether had to get up and do something, or I would find myself fighting back tears. So, I asked Benji if he wanted to go and of course he jumped at the proposal. So we walked… and while we walked I was thinking.

Despite busy season being over, my Dad’s still pretty swamped at work. In fact, he’s out of town all week. I miss him. I miss talking late at night after he gets home… as we’d spill our guts out about hard days and our frustrations or pains. I relish those talks… I realized, he’s pretty much the only one I do that with anymore. Sure, every now and then I’ll end up spilling to somebody who asks the right questions, but it’s not like it used to be when I’d talk to someone or multiple people every day and share all the pains and joys. I also realized how strange I feel at TW sometimes.

A couple weeks ago Nate pointed out how I had odd lunch habits. I rarely know where to sit: sometimes I’ll sit at his table with Jeremy, Emily, Jenna, and whoever else ends up sitting there. Sometimes I’ll sit with Becca, Jon, and Joe. Or other times, like this week, I’ll just sit, and see who ends up next to me. Nate’s the only one I really talked to at TW. Of course, Andrea is always encouraging and cheerful, Isaac always says something to make me laugh as we exchange silly faces during math. but then, I hardly ever talk to Jacob anymore. I realized the other day I hardly know him anymore. After the last Seusical performance, a bunch of people ended up eating out after the cleaning up was done. I had thought it was only going to be us and the Hartges… boy was I wrong. Yet when I walked in, Jake offered the open seat next to him. I was grateful, but first had to figure out food with my family. When I got back, I found that there were at least eight other people crowded and laughing around the little 4 person table Jake had been sitting at. So I ended up kinda floating…

Last week I had a similar realization. Thursday was a special day. I got to see two dear friends who now live out of state. Holly came over in the early afternoon and we spent a couple hours sitting in my back yard talking. It was so nice talking to her. Later that night I got to see Emily. She was coming to the scouting family night. I was so excited when I saw her. We ended up rushing out of the room to giggle and hug in the hall. (apparently we could still be heard, so we moved :P) We chatted the whole meeting. (although, it was shorter than usual.) That night I baffled myself. In the midst of all that… such a sweet collection of some of my dearest friends, and I was over come with loneliness. Jim and my Dad ended up talking after everyone else had left. As soon as Jim turned away I found I was fighting back tears. As soon as I shut the door one was running down my cheek. “How can I feel lonely after seeing almost all my dearest friends, all in one day??” I asked myself. I was unable to find an answer.

I suppose, in a way, right now I’m learning to walk alone. All my friends are moving on and struggling with their own pain and sorrows. I gotta say, it was really nice having someone to drag me around the block tonight. I probably wouldn’t have gone had Benji not so encouraged me. I truly hope that this time of learning is  not going to be lasting, or preparation for something more extensive. Sure, I’m getting by alright. I’m grateful for my dog, he’ll sit with me most of the day. keep me from being alone… Even when he’s not, I often find him waiting outside my door, for someone to let him in. ^_^ Yet still… I long for human contact.

A couple nights ago, I couldn’t sleep. Unexplained pain in my stomach kept me up most of the night… I was listening to “Blink”, a CD by Plumb. Instead of the usual rock music, this CD is of lullabies. As I listened to them I was overcome with an amazing sense of longing for an unborn child I look forward to meeting some day. It’s strange… how you can somehow miss some one so much, who you have never met nor know anything about. It was inspiring, in its own way.

Tonight on our walk, we passed a flowering tree that extended a branch over the sidewalk. I picked a blossom. Benji seemed to like it, so I put it in my braid. First flowers I’ve had in my hair this year… I remembered back to MIC, two years ago. The day we worked on that invading tree/bush, I braided many wild Black Eyed Susans and Daisies into my hair as we walked back to camp. My favorite day of the week… and ironically Emily’s worst. Soon after I heard a chirp above my head, but couldn’t spy what made it. “It’s a bird…!” came ringing in my ears ^_^. Don’t you love how the simple things can remind you of such marvelous times and dear friends?

 

So… how’s Hannah Rider, you may ask? I’m doing just fine. Days come and go, pain and discomfort more often, but knowing your dearest Friend holds it all in His hands, makes every complaint seem less significant. Especially when compared to what He went through for each of us. In the end, it doesn’t mater. How are you living your life? Is there something you want to change? Don’t be scared when it gets hard. and don’t forget you are never alone. God is always with us, watching. So tomorrow… what will He see?

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