We have no cars or burrows, so everything we chose to bring must be carried. Everything we left behind is gone and we must make do. As we leave camp, the glories of the morning are spread out before us. Nearly every morning we see mule dear grazing. Sometimes turkeys or cattle. Once we even saw a bear! Always, we see wild flowers and other fantastic plants we don’t recognize. We may hike for many hours or only a few. It depends on the day. Always, we try to hike as far as we can in the morning, before the hot New Mexico sun sets in over head. Today we may be following a peaceful river at the bottom of a gorge, or perhaps winding between the mountains. Wherever we are going, it is always beautiful. There is always something new and fantastic to see. The landscapes and views are constantly changing. As we tread higher or lower in elevation the woods reveal the difference. So much changes in a single hike.

At last we arrive at camp. Quickly, we take all of our group gear and smelables out of our packs. This may be food, pots, water, bear bags, first aid equipment, or the dining fly. Smellables are anything with a sent other than human; tooth paste, chopstick, han-san, duck tape, bug spray, sunscreen, food bars from previous meals, jerky, first aid supplies, medications, or any clothes that had food spilled on them, and of course, “any water bottle that has ever had anything other than water in it.” :P

Once the group gear and food have been properly sorted out, the bear bags must go up. Any food that is not emedietally needed goes up first. At the provided cable strung high between two trees (our bear cable) we gather our filled bear bags (potato sacks really). Someone must throw one end of our ropes up and over the cable. Once that has been accomplished, we twist the bags shut and string them tightly together on the rope. Once they are all secure, we hoist the bags up and someone will secure our rope onto two different near by trees. Finally, using a carabineer and our second rope, we hang our “oops bag” using the same methods, only attaching this rope through a poop on our first rope rather the cable itself. This job must be done well because if a bear were to get into these bags, all our supplies would be wasted. Food is not readably available, so take caution.

Once this task is complete, we begin setting up the rest of camp. If the canopy has not been hung, it comes first. All the remaining group gear must be stashed beneath it. Pots and eating instruments, however, go next to the sump (a pipe located away from camp for the purpose of disposing of liquid smelables. i.e. water from washing dishes or brushing teeth). Next comes tents. Most people have tent partners to work with. being the only female youth, I however, did not. Your tent is now set up; take a sigh or relief. You can stop rushing now.

Tonight you are ether on dinner duty or water duty. If it is dinner, begin boiling water and separating the packages. If tonight your task is water, hope there is a “spigo” around. If not, settle down near the stream, you will be filtering for a while. Do we have activities for tonight? It’s possible. If not, enjoy the evening, and food if you can. Your body is ready for bed by the time the sun is set. Look at the stars. Ever so many more can be seen here than at home. Can you spot Venus off to the West? She is my marker and personal friend. I watch her here as I did at home. Can you see the mood? It too has not changed. When you feel home sick, concentrate your gaze on one of these. They will ease your heart. If I we have no activities and the dishes are done, it’s time for bed. Some days there may be a fire going, but since we must carry our ashes out with us we cannot enjoy one every night. Climb in your tent, sleeping bag too. Now take a deep breath; another day at Philmont is through.

Sure, I have a grandparent in the hospital right now, finals tomorrow, and family from Nebraska coming on Wednesday, but that’s no reason to be so on edge I fly across the kitchen to prevent the prospect of a burning quesadilla. The Bible tells us in Philippians not to be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. We are to trust that no mater what, He is in control. Romans tells us that we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose, and that if God is for us, who can be against us? The chapter goes on to say that neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. So why should we worry? Rather, we should be firm in our faith with our eyes and hopes concentrated on the Lord. He has made us more than conquers, so why should we fear? Nothing can separate us from His love for us. Nothing at all.

Romans 8:28-39

²⁸And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,^[j] who^[k] have been called according to his purpose. ²⁹For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. ³⁰And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

³¹What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? ³²He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? ³³Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies.³⁴Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. ³⁵Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? ³⁶As it is written:
“For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”^{[l] 37}No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. ³⁸For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,^[m] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

All of my grandparents have been in and out of the hospital many times in the last couple years, so when I heard Grandma was going back in this week, I was concerned, but didn’t fully grasp what was happening or why she was going in. Today I did. I knew Grandma had had a fever and was confused. Until today I didn’t know what “confused” meant.

I fed her lunch today (late lunch) and talked to her some while I was doing it. She seemed to lose her thought before she got the first half of it out, every time she tried to talk. She said things like “A yes, and a no,” “Start at the middle and end—” (dropped thought), “paper,” “slow,” and stringing together, “Start at the middle and end—with a yes, and a no.” over and over. The same words or phrases, seemingly meaningless and random. I still don’t know what they meant, but I knew she was trying to tell us something, only she could never get it out.

When the Doctor made her round to our room, Grandpa was explaining that this morning any yesterday Grandma was struggling to ask the question, “How much time do I have left?” and only got it out fragments at a time. Grandpa thought that she was thinking about this so long was because last year, when they couldn’t help her anymore, someone stood at the foot of her bed and told her, “There’s nothing more we can do for you. I’m sorry. You have 24 hours.” So now, as Grandma tried to ask how much time she had left, or “15 minutes?” “20 minutes?” etc. she was asking how long she had to live. It’s a horrible thing to have on your mind for hours and hours as she has… but I’m glad she had other things on her mind when we were there, even if she was unable to communicate them to us.

At this point, the Doctors don’t fully know what is wrong. She is suspected to have a body wide infection causing some of these strange symptoms, so they are treating her for that. Mom was worried that she had a serious brain problem that was causing the mental confusion. Thankfully, the CAT scan they took when she was admitted came back negative. The Doctor said she will run more tests to make sure nothing has been overlooked, and hopefully she will find something that explains the problems, and can be helped.

It was hard, seeing my Grandma in this state. She didn’t recognize any of us. When she was asked “Who is this?” to each of us, she couldn’t answer. Sometimes she laughed (seems to be her out when she does not know what to say; she laughed a lot. I hope that means she’s happy inside, vs. troubled."), or when Uncle Jim stepped up as the question was asked, she said “Paper” again. But when Mom was telling her she was going to take me home (right before we left) when Mom said “Hannah” she looked right at me. I don’t know if that was because she made the mental connection, or that she felt my eyes on her, but ether way I’m glad she looked at me. I just pray she makes it out of there O.K. soon. Please keep her in your prayers.

During the training, one of the leaders of the course told a story. It was a story about a boy, who did what I did. He ended up flying down a skiing hill, and crashed at the bottom. He hit a solid tree; I hit a frozen wall. I walked out of my ditch; he didn’t walk again for several weeks. They didn’t know if he was going to make it past that crash. I knew just after I hit the ground that I was going to be O.K. I could have been paralyzed, so easily, or even worse from that crash. I still remember how stunned I was, lying there not even breathing, just knowing that I could move my fingers and toes. This kid wasn’t that lucky. They rushed him out of there, bleeding and in very bad shape. He almost had to have the top of his head cut off to let the pressure out of his brain so it didn’t kill him.

That could have been me. The Lord saved that boy’s life and He saved mine. Tonight I relived the scariest moment of my life, through this boy’s story. I felt again what he would have felt when he hit that tree. I don’t remember if they said whether he was conscious or not, but if he was I doubt he was for long. If he had been, I know how scared he felt, and how much pain he would have been. Or at least, something close.

Honestly, I don’t know why God let me off so easily. It could have been much, much worse. But I know, whatever the reason, He’s got something planned for me. Something important enough that He didn’t want someone else doing it. I’m still here. I can walk, and run, and have minimal pain. I can breath. You never know just how true it is, that God gives us every breath we take, until you almost can’t. I know that now. I know He is in control. And I know He wants me for something, because He saved my life that day. I guess that’s all I have to say.

I baby sit a for this family that we know from church… right now the youngest are two little boys, but I’ve baby sat them sporadically since before ether of them were born. Today I spent the whole day with them and their youngest older sister (one of three, who I watched when she herself was just a babe). It was so much fun. I simply adore those kids. Funny thing is, they all have dark brown hair and dark eyes (except for those with blue) so I can almost imagine them looking something like my kids may. Of course… they have their moments. Like today when Henry ran out the door to get the mail, found suckers in the box, and then wouldn’t stop yelling “I want a sucker!” until his mom got home… or when Max went down the slide that had a nice puddle at the bottom from the rain, so he soaked his clothes, but then persisted in fighting about going in because he didn’t want to change from his sopping drawers. But still, I hope for some like them. ^_^ As I was leaving today, Henry called, ‘Don’t leave Miss Hannah! We love you!!” Sweet beyond belief.

Now, I know that sometimes they’re a hassle, and that kids can often be a bother, but nothing I’ve seen has made me waver from longing for my own. And really, in all their silly little mishaps, you can still take a step back and laugh about it. (but perhaps I’ll just have to remember that one for when it’s my own kid wetting the couch during a movie or dumping ketchup covered chicken pieces on his lap, chair, and the floor…) But still, you gotta love ‘um. Because even after the biggest mess, the little “Uh-oh” they mumble as they look up with their little pathetic eyes at you, wondering how their food ended up all over them and the floor. ^_^

But on the plus side, I don’t think I’ll have to worry about cramming in a work out. Henry had me biking up and down a hill with him for a while, as well as running bases after fetching, picking up, and hitting the ball he flung in my general direction. =) Yet… afterward, why Max put my shoe in the sink, I still don’t know :P

Despite busy season being over, my Dad’s still pretty swamped at work. In fact, he’s out of town all week. I miss him. I miss talking late at night after he gets home… as we’d spill our guts out about hard days and our frustrations or pains. I relish those talks… I realized, he’s pretty much the only one I do that with anymore. Sure, every now and then I’ll end up spilling to somebody who asks the right questions, but it’s not like it used to be when I’d talk to someone or multiple people every day and share all the pains and joys. I also realized how strange I feel at TW sometimes.

A couple weeks ago Nate pointed out how I had odd lunch habits. I rarely know where to sit: sometimes I’ll sit at his table with Jeremy, Emily, Jenna, and whoever else ends up sitting there. Sometimes I’ll sit with Becca, Jon, and Joe. Or other times, like this week, I’ll just sit, and see who ends up next to me. Nate’s the only one I really talked to at TW. Of course, Andrea is always encouraging and cheerful, Isaac always says something to make me laugh as we exchange silly faces during math. but then, I hardly ever talk to Jacob anymore. I realized the other day I hardly know him anymore. After the last Seusical performance, a bunch of people ended up eating out after the cleaning up was done. I had thought it was only going to be us and the Hartges… boy was I wrong. Yet when I walked in, Jake offered the open seat next to him. I was grateful, but first had to figure out food with my family. When I got back, I found that there were at least eight other people crowded and laughing around the little 4 person table Jake had been sitting at. So I ended up kinda floating…

Last week I had a similar realization. Thursday was a special day. I got to see two dear friends who now live out of state. Holly came over in the early afternoon and we spent a couple hours sitting in my back yard talking. It was so nice talking to her. Later that night I got to see Emily. She was coming to the scouting family night. I was so excited when I saw her. We ended up rushing out of the room to giggle and hug in the hall. (apparently we could still be heard, so we moved :P) We chatted the whole meeting. (although, it was shorter than usual.) That night I baffled myself. In the midst of all that… such a sweet collection of some of my dearest friends, and I was over come with loneliness. Jim and my Dad ended up talking after everyone else had left. As soon as Jim turned away I found I was fighting back tears. As soon as I shut the door one was running down my cheek. “How can I feel lonely after seeing almost all my dearest friends, all in one day??” I asked myself. I was unable to find an answer.

I suppose, in a way, right now I’m learning to walk alone. All my friends are moving on and struggling with their own pain and sorrows. I gotta say, it was really nice having someone to drag me around the block tonight. I probably wouldn’t have gone had Benji not so encouraged me. I truly hope that this time of learning is  not going to be lasting, or preparation for something more extensive. Sure, I’m getting by alright. I’m grateful for my dog, he’ll sit with me most of the day. keep me from being alone… Even when he’s not, I often find him waiting outside my door, for someone to let him in. ^_^ Yet still… I long for human contact.

A couple nights ago, I couldn’t sleep. Unexplained pain in my stomach kept me up most of the night… I was listening to “Blink”, a CD by Plumb. Instead of the usual rock music, this CD is of lullabies. As I listened to them I was overcome with an amazing sense of longing for an unborn child I look forward to meeting some day. It’s strange… how you can somehow miss some one so much, who you have never met nor know anything about. It was inspiring, in its own way.

Tonight on our walk, we passed a flowering tree that extended a branch over the sidewalk. I picked a blossom. Benji seemed to like it, so I put it in my braid. First flowers I’ve had in my hair this year… I remembered back to MIC, two years ago. The day we worked on that invading tree/bush, I braided many wild Black Eyed Susans and Daisies into my hair as we walked back to camp. My favorite day of the week… and ironically Emily’s worst. Soon after I heard a chirp above my head, but couldn’t spy what made it. “It’s a bird…!” came ringing in my ears ^_^. Don’t you love how the simple things can remind you of such marvelous times and dear friends?

So… how’s Hannah Rider, you may ask? I’m doing just fine. Days come and go, pain and discomfort more often, but knowing your dearest Friend holds it all in His hands, makes every complaint seem less significant. Especially when compared to what He went through for each of us. In the end, it doesn’t mater. How are you living your life? Is there something you want to change? Don’t be scared when it gets hard. and don’t forget you are never alone. God is always with us, watching. So tomorrow… what will He see?

Explanation: How hard everything is/has been isn’t even the real problem. The real problem is that I seem to be barely existing and hurting everyone around me. When I can barely make it through the day, am completely spent, or trying to swallow whatever it is to do something else, I hurt those around me. Sometimes I can see it, sometimes I cannot. There was one day I was trying, and a friend had to tell me how awful I was being. I didn’t even realize. This morning all I had to do was get up and go to PT. without reengaging in last night… I couldn’t do it. I ended up sobbing again. Mom came in to try to comfort me. Unfortunately that was by the time I had already gotten the harsh grip I needed to get myself out the door. I yelled at her… after she asked “what’s wrong” for the third time and I had no explanation. To and from Physical Therapy my mind has been spinning. When I got back in the car she had obviously been crying. and it was obviously my fault. But I couldn’t say anything. Somehow, my shell broke yesterday and I haven’t been able to pull myself back together. Everything came pouring out like a title wave.

What’s next? I have no idea. But me, barely being able to get through a day and unable to keep myself from hurting those around me is not acceptable. No mater what I’m going through hurting the ones who want to help is not right. It’s not fair. It’s not what God would want. So where did I go wrong? What am I missing? It’s just me and He here. Dad helps when he comes home. but for the most part, I am alone. With out the human interaction and help I long for so deeply. This weekend I was so sure I was where I needed to be, regardless of feeling alone. Now I don’t know. I’m not meant to be like this. No mater where I am I can’t be hurting those around me like I know I am. It’s just not right. But I’m at a loss as to how I can change it.

In a lot of aspects I’ve grown cold and harsh just to keep myself together. How can I get through being softer? When I’m broken down and know I need to just get up and ignore everything to do what I need to do, I hurt others. And adding that to my indicial pain, kills me.

it’s late. I know how tired I am. but I don’t know if I’ll sleep tonight. Here’s hoping for a brighter tomorrow… even as much as I dread it.